The Lambourne Club 30 April Report

The inaugural Total Golf Club event

There's a very discreet sign to the Lambourne Club. Miss it and you're back in the thick of high hedges and woodland in deepest south Buckinghamshire. Beyond the gates secret fairways roll through beautiful parkland backing onto the Cliveden estate.

You know you've located the club when your vehicle registration plates flash up on a sign amongst the azaleas. The celebrity members like that sort of thing. It makes them feel secure.

The Lambourne though is one of those courses where it can be rewarding to play out of your comfort zone. The fairways are wide with just a touch of water to keep you on your toes. The greens are in great shape though can be tricky, demanding more attention than a passing glance over the furtive undulations.

Over bacon baguettes and fortifying cups of tea in the great pile of a clubhouse Joao tells us how he keeps hitting the ball out of the driving range. "My pro tell me to play only irons." The others laugh nervously. "He take away my driver because I cannot hit it straight." Everyone sighs with relief, though not until after a handicap cut has been enforced.

On the first tee the fairway stretches ahead, wide and forgiving with the pin fluttering to the left. Bunkers are pinpricks in the distance. A rather large tree stands sentry in the middle of the fairway. Mark rips one to the right of the tree near the bunkers. Rob follows suit. Joao whips out a spare yet to be confiscated driver and it wobbles to the left near Len's ball. "I don't care where it goes," says Joao. "I like the noise."

Mark birdied the par 5 2nd to steal four points and Len took three points for par. Rob pared the next hole, a par 5 to net four points which would set him on the road to victory and that rather nice woolen Callaway sweater which matches his eyes.

Joao, ignoring his pros advice, lost a couple of balls with his driver, scoring nil point on a couple of holes. Mark is probably still having nightmares about the six on the par three 5th. Len was playing a steady game of double bogey golf but not racking up enough points on enough holes plunged him into the last spot.

As the clouds blew across the blue skies everyone met back in the mansion house for a thirst quenching beer and a hot lunch and concurred that if Joao had left his driver in the bag he may have stolen the show. "I don't care about winning. I just want to hit the ball far. And I like the noise."